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Hello blog!! Today was pretty uneventful.. the mess in my room is piling up, its just clothes but the last thing I wanna do is try to cram my skirts back in the drawer. I have too many clothes, I have too much shit.. like way too much shit. which I guess is a blessing but in a way it feels embarrasing. It feels like im being weighed down. I used to always want more.

Its kind of like in most of school, I would never use folders or anything and my bag would just fill with crumply papers, mostly busywork from math. After about a month or so I would clean it all out and try to find any doodles in the margins to scrapbook (which reminds me I still need to set up my art page on here >_<) but once I cleaned eveyrthing out I realized how much space all. my bullshit took up.

theres been a consistent whisper in my head that tells me to run away with just a few things in my bag and go, all my belongings would be on my back and I would be subject to the weight of eveyrthing i own. idk.

before i go for today i would like to share a couscous recipe i just made, super easy. Get boxed couscous (not the pearled kind) mine was parm flavored. start by taking a clove of garlic and cooking in in about 2 teasppons of butter and then add 1 and 1/4 cup water and a buillion cube, then add couscous and the packet that came in the box and let it simmer for 5 mins. Super yummy and soft and mushy and yummy and good if anypony tries this lmk what you think. stay blessed :P

I havent had this much free time in so long, Ive developed a need to be productive at all times or else I feel like shit. Like sometimes I feel like I cant relax without smoking or something.

Is my need to constantly be in productivity mode a product of capitalism? yes! so maybe the fact that i did mostly nothing today was not horrible, i mean sitting around all day is not good fo rme in general but it feels like the only thing to do in this god forsaken town is buy shit.. which i guess i need to do anyways since christmas is coming up. im honestly a little scared to leave the house lately its so cold outside and i hate driving. ive hated living here for years now, i feel so big in such a small place.

its not as biring, being home all the time when im more creativley inclined. like the mental stimulation from making music, this website and art have been enough for me but im starting to feel like running away from everything again. maybe i would if i wasnt so scared all the time

I dont believe that what I aim to blog about on here will be particularly important, or even interesting. Currently, im at a point where I am doing this for the sake of doing it. It reminds me of when I was 15 or so, I was so upset one time (over something lesbian) that i picked up a composition book and started chicken scratching away about it.

Afterwards, I began taking the book with me everywhere and for about a month i was just writing about how cool it was that i was writing. (its very rmbarrasing to look back on) but i think that its beautiful that i have found myself in a stage of life again where i can be in love with the things i am doing. They have not become ritual, i have to consiously do them.

Today I picked up learning HTML and also FL studio, I have found both to be really fun and challenging because I never though of myself as technologically inclined. We all limit ourselves in small ways. In college, I see it all the time and even more so in the age of AI. People have given up their minds and bodies to machine or even just regret. ("i wish i had started sooner..") so yeah :3.. if you're reading this you're probably my friend i encourage you to go do something difficult and horrible.. if u wanna make a neocities text meee!!

First ever blog entry here hello!!! i have never coded in my entire life and honestly im just usiing afree template i found for now. currently though, im really excited because i found out what neocities is and i think its the coolest thing ever. I get to escape the evil internet and enter a new (confusing) internet!!.

I realize that the price of freedom is difficulty, perhaps we have lost an agency most people never had? There are a million little boxes, instagram, tumblr, letterboxd what if i just made one caitie website fo rmy friends to look at and stuff.. lolz

okay well i hope i keep up the. updates on here, this is not too difficult to figure out once i get the hang of it.